Avoidance:
When one or both of you are avoiding certain topics or levels of intimacy, or feel walls going up between you, you should suspect hidden issues. For instance, there are many couples from different cultural or religious backgrounds who strongly avoid talking about these differences.
We think that this behavior generally reflects concerns about acceptance: Will you accept me completely if we really talk about our different backgrounds? Avoiding such topics not only allows hidden issues to remain hidden but also puts the relationship at greater risk, as the couple never deals with important differences that can have great impact on a marriage.
Other common but sometimes taboo topics in marriage can include issues of sex, personal appearance, feelings about ex-spouses, jealousy, and so on. There are many such sensitive topics that people avoid dealing with in their relationships out of fear of rejection. What issues do you avoid talking about?
Score keeping:
When one or both of you start keeping score, you should suspect hidden issues. Score keeping could mean you are not feeling recognized for what you put into the relationship. It could mean you are feeling controlled and are keeping track of the times your partner has taken benefit of you.
Whatever the issue, score keeping can be a sign that there are significant things the two of you aren't talking about - just documenting. Score keeping reflects that you are working against each other at times, rather than being teammates.
Trivial Triggers:
When trivial issues are blown up out of all proportion, you should suspect hidden issues.
Wheel Spinning:
When an argument starts with you thinking, "Here we go again," you should suspect hidden issues. You never really get anywhere on the problem because you often aren't talking about what really matters - the hidden issue. We have all had these arguments in which we have said everything many times before and now feel hopeless as the cycle starts yet again.
Handling Hidden Issues:
What can you do when you realize hidden issues are affecting your relationship? You can identify when one may be operating and start talking about it constructively. This will be easier to do if you are cultivating an atmosphere of teamwork.
When dealing with hidden issues, it's very important to focus less on problem solving and more on hearing each other's thoughts and feelings. There is no more powerful form of acceptance than really listening to the thoughts and feelings of your mate. This type of validation is critical to emotional intimacy in relationships.
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